Grief is more than just sadness. It’s disorientation, fatigue, anger, guilt, love, memory, silence, and—sometimes—hope. It doesn’t follow a schedule, and it doesn’t arrive in neat, manageable waves. For those who have lost someone they deeply loved, the process can feel never-ending. That’s why so many turn to frameworks like the 12 stages of grief—not as a strict roadmap, but as a mirror for the emotional chaos within.
In From Grief to Grace: A Therapist’s Journey of Healing After Loss, Anita Aasen brings the grieving process to life. Through deeply personal storytelling, she shows how grief affects every part of who we are. Her cousin Lou’s death didn’t just hurt—it changed how she saw herself, her work, and the world.
While the five stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are widely known, many people find that a more nuanced framework—the 12 stages of grief—better reflects the real emotional journey. These stages offer space for complexity, looping, and the quiet truths we’re often too tired to say out loud.
Let’s take a closer look at these 12 stages and what they might look like in real life, as reflected in Anita’s powerful memoir and the experiences we all carry.
What Are the 12 Stages of Grief?
The 12 stages of grief expand upon earlier models to include a broader spectrum of emotional reactions, behavioral responses, and psychological patterns. They don’t unfold in perfect order. You may skip stages, revisit others, or experience many at once. However, each one helps describe the human process of mourning and healing deeply.
Here they are:
- Shock
- Emotional Release
- Depression and Isolation
- Physical Symptoms of Distress
- Panic
- Guilt
- Anger
- Resistance
- Hope
- Strength
- Reintegration
- Acceptance
Let’s explore each stage with real-life reflections inspired by From Grief to Grace.
The 12 Stages of Grief
1. Shock: When Reality Doesn’t Feel Real
Grief often starts with numbness. For Anita, the call about her cousin Lou’s cancer diagnosis and eventual transition to hospice didn’t immediately bring tears. It brought silence. She describes moments of disbelief—watching the world move while feeling like hers had stopped.
Shock protects you from immediate emotional overload. It’s a psychological buffer between your mind and the rawness of the event.
2. Emotional Release: When the Tears Come
At some point, the dam breaks. Crying. Shouting. Sobbing in the car. Anita writes about this vividly—screaming into an empty car, tears streaming down her face as she drives hours to say goodbye.
This stage is your body’s natural way of processing the overwhelming truth: They’re really gone. Emotional release may arrive suddenly or build slowly, but it’s an essential part of grief.
3. Depression and Isolation: The Long Silence
After the funeral, the check-in calls fade. People return to work. Life moves on—but grief doesn’t.
Anita writes about journaling alone in gas stations, choosing solitude over conversation because speaking felt too heavy. In this stage, sadness settles into the bones. You might withdraw from others. You might lose motivation. You’re not “overreacting”—you’re grieving.
4. Physical Symptoms of Distress: Grief in the Body
Grief doesn’t just affect the mind. It affects sleep, appetite, concentration, and even heart function.
Anita describes exhaustion. Sleeplessness. A body in distress. The physical symptoms of grief—tight chest, headaches, digestion issues—are real. They’re your body processing trauma.
This stage is often overlooked but incredibly important to acknowledge and care for.
5. Panic: The Fear of Moving On Alone
As the permanence of the loss settles in, panic can rise. Who am I without them? What now? What if I forget them?
This stage is marked by anxiety and fear, often triggered by daily routines that no longer include your loved one. For Anita, it came in long drives home, clinging to memories while fearing their eventual fading.
6. Guilt: The What-Ifs and If-Onlys
Many grievers experience survivor’s guilt. Regret over not doing more. Saying the wrong thing. Or simply being alive when someone else is not.
Anita recalls second-guessing her final conversation with Lou—wishing she had said something more profound, more comforting. But guilt, while natural, is not truth. It’s grief looking for control where there is none.
7. Anger: At the World, God, and Even Yourself
Anger can be directed anywhere: at the illness, at doctors, at family members who “moved on too fast.” Even at God.
In From Grief to Grace, Anita admits she stopped “talking to God” for a while. She was angry. And it didn’t make her less faithful. It made her human.
This stage is powerful and often healing. Anger, when expressed safely, can move stuck energy forward.
8.Resistance: Avoiding the New Normal
Resistance shows up as denial—but deeper. It’s not just refusing to accept the loss. It’s refusing to engage in life again.
You might resist new relationships. Resist joy. Resist rearranging the house or deleting their number. This stage is where grief becomes a silent protest: If I pretend hard enough, maybe none of this is real.
Anita describes moments where she simply couldn’t bring herself to accept what was happening—driving hours just to feel close to Lou again.
9. Hope: A Tiny Light
At some point—days, weeks, or years later—a small shift happens. You smile at a memory. You enjoy a sunny afternoon. You laugh without guilt.
Anita experiences hope in coffee cups, shared memories, and stories told out loud. Hope doesn’t mean the pain is gone. It means you’re starting to trust that there’s life after the loss.
10. Strength: You Keep Going
Grief never really ends. But it changes. Over time, you begin to function again.
You go to work. You attend a birthday party. You support someone else in their loss. That’s strength—not denial, not forgetting—but continuing.
For Anita, this came in writing. In telling Lou’s story. In helping others with their grief even as she carried her own.
11. Reintegration: A New Way of Living
Reintegration doesn’t mean “moving on.” It means moving forward with your grief integrated into who you are.
You begin to make decisions not from pain, but from wisdom. You remember without being destroyed. You love again—with a little more gentleness, a little more perspective.
Anita’s life as a therapist and writer after loss is a testament to this reintegration. Lou never leaves her story—he becomes part of her purpose.
12. Acceptance: Carrying the Love, Not Just the Loss
Acceptance is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean being “okay” with what happened. It means understanding you can’t change it—and learning to live with that truth.
You carry the memory. The love. The influence. You let go of resistance. You stop needing the pain to validate the connection—and instead, you let the love speak for itself.
In Anita’s words:
“Grief never truly ends—it evolves. The pages of this book reflect that journey… a testament to resilience.”
Why the 12 Stages of Grief Matter
Not everyone will experience every stage. Some people cycle through several in one day. But the 12 stages of grief offer a compassionate, layered understanding of what it means to mourn someone you love.
They show us:
- That grief is not linear
- That emotional messiness is normal
- That healing happens slowly—and never perfectly
Most importantly, they remind us: you’re not alone.
There’s No Timeline for Healing
In From Grief to Grace, Anita Aasen doesn’t offer solutions. She offers presence. Honesty. Humanity. And in doing so, she answers the most important question we ask when we’re grieving:
Will I survive this?
Yes, you will.
Not by forgetting. Not by forcing closure.
But by learning to live inside the truth—and still choosing to love, to speak, and to show up.
Because grief is a reflection of love. And love, as Anita’s story reminds us, never really dies.
